I’m still processing. Like the little spinning rainbow wheel on a mac when something isn’t loading, that’s my brain right about now. After checking in with a couple of friends, and my therapist, I think I definitely got triggered, and I think the triggers were real. Meaning that they were real events that are warnings that I should think about carefully.
So here I am, standing back from this relationship. In my mind, I keep thinking we are pretty much broken up. A three-month-young relationship that has been unable to be sexually consumed… how do I even restart the momentum after being frozen in my tracks? The only path we were on to intimacy was emotional and sharing, and I’m not at this very moment in time willing to go there. I mean, the other night when we had dinner, I didn’t mention that he got so frustrated/angry/upset/whatever that he got up and left the table twice – twice – for at least five minutes, and left me sitting there. The second time he came back just as I was like, okay, fine, and putting my coat on to leave-leave. He didn’t even walk me to my car. This is three months in. What happens after six months? A year? I don’t see a rose garden.
I am pretty sure he is confused and sad about my pulling away. I told him this past weekend that I am reducing the speed from 80 mph to 30, throttling back. In the time we have been seeing each other, he has managed to infiltrate my entire day almost every day. I haven’t seen my friends in months. Haven’t talked to my best friend (you know, the guy/missed love-of-my-life in NYC) in weeks. And I started a new job just five weeks ago, and am in that exhausted adjustment phase, and he isn’t giving me room to BREATHE. This is NOT GOOD.
And I do feel bad going kind of silent. Only I don’t. Because I am annoyed, maybe even angry, that he worked his way into my life as this sweet, gentle, thoughtful person who (i) can’t get it up and falls into a messy sobbing puddle if we even fool around and turn the focus on him (not just his dick) for a minute (so where’s the fun in that) and (ii) is turning on the sickly sweet corny gushing romantic bullshit to cover up what apparently is a bit of an anger issue. So really, what the fuck.
I don’t trust romantic bullshit. I hate it, hate it, hate it. It’s so flipping phony.
But it’s so sad! We were having so much fun otherwise! He was kind and considerate and sweet and charming. Yes, sometimes he overdid it, but I was feeling so happy. And now, I don’t believe a word he says, trust any of his actions.
I did tell him that if he ever directs that anger at me like I saw him do with his kid, his ex-wife’s boyfriend, it’s a dealbreaker. We’re done in a second. No second chances.
Same old shit, different guy. No wonder I have trouble calling him by his actual name, my ex’s name has started to come to mind instead.